THE LEGEND OF NIGEL DINGLEBERRY
by THE REAL PUTTPUTT
Summary: The Legend of Zelda-but shit
1. Chapter 1

***CHAPTER ONE: THE ONE THAT I DON'T HAVE A NAME FOR***  
One day, Nigel Dingleberry has a little too much to drink and wakes up holding a shield and Keemstar's blood spattered gnome hat.  
"Why the fuck does this shield have a cross on it," he asks to no one in particular. Nigel stumbles into the nearby cave, where an old man offers him a brown sword, clearly a used anal dildo. This is not a wise move on the part of the old man, as Nigel then impales him on the fecal blade. He wanders about the magical land he has discovered, swinging his shit smeared shiv about and wearing the Keemstar cap, which he barfed into and then turned inside out. Eventually, he finds another cave containing a similar old man, this time offering Mr. Dingleberry mysterious red drugs in a bottle, turning down this tempting offer, he stabs the old man and eats his still beating heart for nourishment.


	2. Chapter 2

***CHAPTER TWO: THE TREES HAVE EYES***  
Somehow through his still drunken stupor, Nigel finds a rickety, thin, and almost broken bridge leading to an island in the middle of a large lake, clearly deep enough to drown in. In his undying wisdom, Nigel decides to cross this bridge for the mysterious reasons that govern the choices people make when hammered. On this island, Nigel finds an odd tree stump that was larger that him, and it clearly has a face on it. Deciding that the best reasoning to use in this situation is "fuck it," he walks into the tree's gaping mouth. Inside the tree's mouth is a room at least 10 times larger than the tree. The room is filled with blue rocks, the natural innards of a tree. Nigel decides to wander about this room and the adjacent rooms. These rooms are full of the animals are commonly found in of face trees full of blue rock: tree bats, tree skeletons, tree hands, and whatever the fuck those fat kangaroos are called. Knowing the fragile balance of such an ecosystem full of these near extinct animals, Nigel naturally slaughters them all. In one of the rooms, he pushes a boulder with his MANLY MAN STRENGTH that reveals a secret room. In the room is the previous two old mens' identical triplet, and he starts trying to say something to Nigel. Due to his supreme lack of shits being given, Nigel stabs this man, yells "DEATH TO THE INFIDELS," and leaves the old dude to bleed out on the floor. After a similar experience with some rocks, our hero discovered an entrance to the basement of the facetree and found a bow that someone had kindly left for him. Soon after, Nigel finds an INTIMIDATING, HUGE, FIRE BREATHING DRAGON THAT IS AN INVASIVE SPECIES. Nigel finds these things to be a pest, so he gouges it's eyes out with his arrows and since he has the munchies, he rips out it's heart for a quick snack. Immediately after, he walks into the next room and discovers some fucking weird glowy gold triangle that he holds above his head as a sign of dominance. On the way out you find a boomerang.

"BOOMERANGS ARE FOR COWARDS AND AUSTRALIANS, he yelled while shoving said boomerang up a fat orange kangaroo's ass


	3. Chapter 3

***CHAPTER THREE: THE SECOND EPISODE OF PRETTY MUCH ANY ANIME***  
Satisfied with what he accomplished in the now dead facetree, Nigel leaves in search of more epic adventure. The next place to look in search of epic adventure is obviously Wee Packet, and where would a Wee Packet be but in a cave burrowed into a rock formation. After a while, he discovers the Wee Packet cave, where Nigel buys a blue candle for exorbitant amounts of money. He realizes that the vendor is riding on his style, so he does the expected thing and digs HIS FUCKING SWORD INTO THE GUY'S NECK. Feeling tired and still very drunk, our hero meanders into a clearing with a lake. Floating above the lake is a fairy, who promises to heal Nigel. As she is doing this, one thought is in Nigel's mind; that is one tight ass and you'd totally hit that shit.


	4. Chapter 4

***CHAPTER FOUR: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO***

Once again back on his pointless quest for nothing, our hero finds himself on top of a mountain having recently blacked out with the last memory being the great head you got from that fairy. Going along with the theme of head, he goes into the gaping mouth of the mountain, just like little him got into the gaping mouth of that fairy. He than realizes that he should stop thinking about this. Inside the head is many deep blue rocks. Along with the natural blue rocks that are in all big blue mountain mouths, Nigel found a lot of ropes, fire sneks, laser statues, and a worrying amount of plaque. Nigel, being a warrior fighting for justice and dental hygiene, killed all of them. Along the way, Nigel found a second boomerang, this one being blue. Given his incessant hatred of boomerangs and any sentient beings other than himself, he searches for any humanoid creature whose ass would fit this new boomerang. Sadly, Nigel has to settle for a snake, which he stores in his pocket until he can find another old man. Before he finds an old man, he finds a triceratops. Given the fact that this is a piece of living history, Nigel stuffs its face with bombs and stuffs it's butt with ropes. You go into the next room because of the skinner box that are these weird faces you run into and it predictably contained a flashy triangle.


End file.
